Faith the Size of a Mustard Seed

Lately, I've been on a journey to define what faith looks like, how it feels and what it means to me. As of right now, I don't know - and I'm more comfortable than ever admitting that. We normally talk about faith in church, but I'm learning that faith is a chameleon and she changes form according to each person. Faith can be a multitude of things that may or may not have anything to do with religion at all. Faith is a combination of belief, trust and surrender. So, how does one begin to explore their faith? Let's go deeper. 

As a child I believed in Santa Claus and The Tooth Fairy. I would invest my time into writing out my Christmas wish list each year and preparing cookies and milk to leave out. I even recall a time that I lost one of my teeth that fell out and I was so bent out of shape that I wrote a letter to the Tooth Fairy pleading with her to take my note instead of my tooth. I'm sure my mom (who I now know was my tooth fairy) still has the note or at least a picture of it somewhere. However, I say this to say that my belief came from an emotional place - it came from my heart space. My connection to these fictional figures was directly linked to how I felt about them. I felt that Santa cared for me enough to read each and every list I left and enjoy every batch of cookies that I made for him. I felt that the Tooth Fairy kept each of my teeth in a special place and treated each one with care. The culmination of these feelings made me happy and produced excitement whenever it was time for them to come around again. I believed these figures to be real simply because they felt that way and over time these feelings evolved into a level of trust.

I trusted Santa Claus to bring me presents on Christmas and I trusted the Tooth Fairy to take my teeth in exchange for money. To show my trust, I always left my teeth under my pillow and cookies by the fireplace with a glass of milk. I continued showing my trust year over year (until I aged out because of the loose lips of my mom and sisters) by doing the same thing over and over again. I wouldn't ask my mom if Santa Claus was really coming - I would only share my excitement with her days before Christmas. I didn't question the logistics of Santa's arrival - I would only show my family and friends the list of what I asked for that year. I didn't bother questioning these things because I decided to trust them instead. In order to trust something, anything really, you must be willing to surrender to it.

I surrendered any and all doubt around whether or not Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy were real because I believed them to be real according to how I felt and I trusted that they would come through time and time again because of the results I got from it. Along the way, I exemplified my belief by talking about the gifts I looked forward to and how I'd spend the money I received for my tooth. I practiced my trust by writing my lists and leaving my tooth under my pillow at night. When we're children, this is easy, but as we grow older it seems to get harder and harder. 

I want to have faith in something again - just how I did when I was a kid. Growing up and transitioning into adulthood is an uncertain and doubtful time. We're exposed to so many new aspects of life, we're no longer in a controlled environment and we're told to make a new life for ourselves. All bets are off - we just make decisions and see what happens while hoping for the best. I've heard that this is just the nature of life, and if it is, I've decided that I need an anchor - I need something to believe in - whether it be myself, a higher power or a vision that I see for the life ahead. I've got to get back to the basics. I want to determine what it is that I believe - even if it changes after some time, I just need something that works for right now. I want to learn how to trust in whatever I decide to believe in and to do so, I know that I'll need to work through whatever issues I may have with trust. Lastly, I need to let any and every thought that goes against my belief go. Doubt does not serve me - and it doesn't serve you either. 

It seems that we're all just guessing and doing our best. We're all just making our own rules and going with what we know and/or what we think. If this truly is the case, I suggest that you find what it is that fills you up and hang on to it as if you were a kid again. Find your North Star, your reason, your purpose and believe in it deeply. I always get hung up on what's "right", but there is no right, only what I believe. Faith doesn't have to be big, it only has to be the size of a mustard seed.